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Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Time does NOT make it easier...

It's been almost a year and a half and not a day goes by that I don't think about you. Which would be fine if it was all the amazing happy fun things that we did and moments that we shared, but it's not. There is anger, tears, despair, and loneliness. I'm still pissed. I'm pissed at you for leaving. I'm pissed at me for not being able to "move on" like everyone says I should. I'm pissed that horrible, disgusting, despicable people get to live and still be on this earth and you're not. I thought that I was getting better. I've read the bullshit steps of grief more times than I can count. Mostly I think, to try to trick myself into believing that I am "progressing" in grief. Well I'm not. I'm still pissed. I hear stories in the news, hell stories right in front of my face about horrible mothers and I get so angry I can't see straight. You are an amazing mother. Why are you gone but these scummy people are still here. When am I going to stop being so angry? I give the lip service about "everything happens for a reason" but it's bullshit. There is no good reason why you aren't here. There is no good reason why we aren't raising our girls together. There is no good reason why your girls don't have a mom. I can't come up with any reasons. I can't stop being angry. I don't want to be angry but I am. I don't want to feel this way but I do. I will never have another best friend. I will never again trust anyone the way I trusted you. I will never again know what it's like to have you here to talk to. When do I stop being angry? When do I think of you and not feel like my heart is being ripped out. When do I stop feeling so alone? I miss you B