Wednesday, April 15, 2015
It's been almost a year and a half and not a day goes by that I don't think about you. Which would be fine if it was all the amazing happy fun things that we did and moments that we shared, but it's not. There is anger, tears, despair, and loneliness. I'm still pissed. I'm pissed at you for leaving. I'm pissed at me for not being able to "move on" like everyone says I should. I'm pissed that horrible, disgusting, despicable people get to live and still be on this earth and you're not. I thought that I was getting better. I've read the bullshit steps of grief more times than I can count. Mostly I think, to try to trick myself into believing that I am "progressing" in grief. Well I'm not. I'm still pissed. I hear stories in the news, hell stories right in front of my face about horrible mothers and I get so angry I can't see straight. You are an amazing mother. Why are you gone but these scummy people are still here. When am I going to stop being so angry? I give the lip service about "everything happens for a reason" but it's bullshit. There is no good reason why you aren't here. There is no good reason why we aren't raising our girls together. There is no good reason why your girls don't have a mom. I can't come up with any reasons. I can't stop being angry. I don't want to be angry but I am. I don't want to feel this way but I do. I will never have another best friend. I will never again trust anyone the way I trusted you. I will never again know what it's like to have you here to talk to. When do I stop being angry? When do I think of you and not feel like my heart is being ripped out. When do I stop feeling so alone? I miss you B
Saturday, January 10, 2015
Ok so it's clean out time. Clean out the old to make room for the new. I'm terrible about this. I'm a mild hoarder. I keep things because "what if I need that someday". As my husband repeatedly reminds me, every time he goes to the basement, someday never comes and we have a basement full of junk. I think it's full of my treasures but he doesn't quite see it that way.
Now it's time to teach my girls about this. J1 gets it. She doesn't love it but she says its what God would want her to do. Thank you Catholic school. J2 does not get this. She cries, hoards, and literally melts down when "old" things go away. I thought it was normal when she got her big girl bed. I thought it was my fault when it was her binkys. Then it was the microwave. We got a new one and she cried her eyes out in a full on dramatic episode. She cried for over a half hour about missing "mikeywave" and how she didn't get to say goodbye.
We have gotten somewhere. After much deliberation she allows me to send old baby clothes to her little cousin. Well as we are cleaning out the closets we found their old winter coats. J1 happily tells me that she's like to donate her coat. J2 not so much. She put it on and danced around the house crying about how much she would miss it. It's maddening but I'm the same way I save everything. At 5 years old have I ruined her? Can I change this? Am I completely overreacting? I guess I will have to wait and see.
Monday, October 6, 2014
So glasses are weird. If they aren't perfectly on your face things look funny. I still can't figure out when I should and shouldn't wear them. I miss just walking around. I was looking at my iPhone yesterday with and then without my glasses and it's like a whole new world! I can't believe that I was missing the sharpness of so many things. Hopefully this will help with my Statistics class too! #40IsTheNew20!