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Sunday, June 1, 2014

So Here it Is...

So here it is, the 4-0.  Not gonna lie doesn't feel any different than the big 3-0 or the big 3-5 or hell even yesterday.  Only difference I feel is a little more tired because my beautiful J1 was so excited to wish me Happy Birthday that she woke up around 5:30 to do so.

This hasn't been the easisest of Birthdays.  It has nothing to do with being 40 (40 is the new 20 don't ya know?).  It's much more personal than that.  B should be here with me.  Her and I should be celebrating 40 together like we have celebrated every Birthday near or far since we were 19.

I miss her.  I didn't realize how little I have actually dealt with and accepted her being gone until this week.  As it got each day closer to yesterday more and more dread filled my heart.  My anxiety grew to epic proportions.  Luckily we kept pretty busy yesterday.  We volunteered at a local run, I had a rough moment when the band played one of "our" college songs.  The kids had a baseball game.  It was hot as heck out so the fact that I was gross and sweatly definitely helped to occupy my thoughts.

Then we got home.  All the day's events were over.  All we had to do was feed the kids and put them to bed.  I sat down on the couch, and then it came, all the feelings that I had been holding in and dreading all week.  It came over me like waves.  Then came the tears but this time instead of suppressing them and wiping them away trying to be tough and strong, I let them come.  Boy did they come.  Then I felt a relief come over me.  It was a strange feeling.  One I haven't had in the five months since she has been gone.

This relief was for me.  It let me feel that I am never going to get over losing her, but it doesn't have to define me.  I don't have to be that girl who doesn't have a best friend and never will again.  I can just be me.  That is who I want to be.  That is who she would want me to be.  B would have never let something like this define her.  She went through much worse and she mourned for quite some time.  When she was ready, she picked herself up and dusted herself off.  That is the kind of me I want to be.

I am going to spend today celebrating life.  I am going to celebrate mine.  I am going to celebrate B's.  I am going to celebrate our lives together.  I am going to pick myself up, dust myself off and be the me I need to be.  I want to be a me that B can be proud of.  I want to be a me that I can be proud of.  I want to be a me that my girls can be proud of.

Today is my Birthday and I am here to celebrate it and I know that B is celebrating with me just like I celebated her yesterday!  No distance can keep best friends from being together because we will always be in each other's hearts!

I love you B and I will love you forever and always!!!

Now on to the big 4-0!