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Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Feeling Frustrated and Sad...

I am feeling VERY frustrated.  As some of you know I lost my very best friend in the entire world this past December to a Stage IV Glioblastoma.  She went almost exactly one year from diagnosis to passing.  She had two surgeries, chemo, and radiation.  She did everything.  She is the strongest person that I know.  I miss her everyday and sometimes missing her literally paralyzes me with anxiety about how I am going to get throught the rest of my life without her.  Then I feel selfish because I think about her husband and their three little girls and how hideously unfair this whole thing has been to them.  It's a vicious cycle that I can't seem to pull out of.

I am trying but with our Birthdays coming up in less than 2 weeks EVERYTHING reminds me of her.  I spent 40 mins snot drip sobbing to the season finale of Grey's Anatomy while I watched Cristina leave.  Anyone who has watched the show knows that Cristina and the title character Meredith are best friends.  They are each other's "person".  She was my "person".  The only one on the Earth that knew me better than me and vice versa.  We have been with each other for over 20 years.  We lived together for 5.  We were there for each other's first dates with our husbands, the birth of our children, the passing of grandparents, and family.  I was there with her when she found out about her sister's death.  We were pregnant together.  I was actually pregnant with both of my girls while she was pregnant with her youngest (gotta love Irish twins).

Coming back to the point, I am very involved in our local Relay For Life.  I have been since we started the team in 2011 in honor of my MIL.  This year we are also doing it in her honor.  I have invited EVERYONE I know (friends, family, virtual strangers) in town to be a part of our team.  The event is in less than 1 month and I have 2 people besides myself signed up.  One of them I literally forced to do it while he was here at my house visiting my husband, and the other is a wonderful mom that I have met this year at dance school.  I have pretty much done everything that I can think of short of dropping to my knees in front of each person and begging them to join.  The apathy of friends and family as I am trying so hard to throw myself into this to help the pain and the loss of her is honestly hurtful.  I feel like I try to be there for everyone.  I try to help and do what I can.  Sometimes it isn't much because I have 2 kids and obviously they have to come first, but I feel like I have tried to support everything that people have asked us to.  Where are those people now?  Don't get me wrong I DON'T do these things for reciprocation.  I do them because they are the right thing to do and mostly it's been to the benefit of the kids.  So I am not sure why I still find myself being upset that no one is there for me.

I wonder how they would feel if at 39 years old they lost the person besides their immediate family that meant the most to them.  It's been 5 months and I still pick up the phone at least twice a week to call her and tell her some insignificant story about life or about something silly, cute, annoying, etc the girls have done.  I cry for "no reason" from my kids viewpoint but really a song, or tv show, or commercial or even just quiet makes me think of her.  I have to explain to my kids that I just miss Auntie.

Even worse than not being able to get my own friends and family to support the cause, is the complete apathy of some of the members of the committee.  They just do the same old thing every year, no more no less.  There is no sense of excitement, there is no sense of urgency for the event to succeed.  We had a member this weekend take 2 hours out of her day to be available for picking up materials to start promoting the event.  Posters, flyers, etc. not a single person showed up to pick anything up.  How are we supposed to get this town plastered for the event without any help.

I know I sound whiny, and I understand why it means more to me than to others especially this year.  What I don't understand is why it's so hard to get people to support something that is so important.  Cancer research is coming along in leaps and bounds over the years.  Was it able to save my friend, no but I am sure as HELL gonna bust my ass to continue to help raise money so that her death isn't in vain.  Maybe someday, another young mother may be saved and won't be leaving a husband and three beautiful children behind.  We hear the stories, we read the papers, but unless it happens to you the impact just isn't there.

Just venting, I am sure that we will have a successful event and I know that no matter what she will be looking down on me smiling and proud of what I have done.


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